FOR SALE: 2011 TOYOTA COROLLA LEGold outside, beige insidelike a baked potato that went to community college.It has come to this. We want to sell this aggressively adequate car, but can't quite bear to see it driven off by someone who doesn't understand it. This isn't a car you fall in love with. It's a car you settle intolike a job in HR, or a relationship that has quietly endured eight Thanksgivings.Let's get the formalities out of the way. It's gold. Not 'gold' like treasure or a Grammy award, but Toyota Corolla gold. The kind of gold found in suburban parking lotsdented gently, somehow always dusty. It has a fine patina and the interior is beige, which I believe is French for 'I gave up.'It has four doors, because of course it does. You don't buy this car because you're spontaneous and fun. You buy it because you are more responsible than your friends, which means you're going to be giving several people last minute rides to the airport, and you are usually the designated driver.But what about the features? Surely those must be exciting, right? No, Linda, I'm afraid this isn't that kind of car ad, and certainly not that kind of car.Steeringyes, it steers. In both directions. But regrettably not at the same time. I checked. It has an impressive turning radius, but is otherwise quite ordinary. It's steering for people who say things like, 'Not too close to the curb.' If you're the kind of person who wants to know if it has an independent rear suspension, we are also selling a Mustang GT right now, and you should buy that car instead.Cruise control is included. Flip the switch and enjoy the smug satisfaction of watching lesser motorists use their feet to maintain acceleration, like cavemen. Or don't. This car supports a broad range of emotional detachment.Windshield wipers? Indeed friends. Two slender arms will sweep across the glass at your command like underpaid janitors, tirelessly wiping away water and regret. Surprisingly therapeutic and included at no additional charge.Air conditioning? Absolutely. It produces air colder (or warmer!) than the air outside. Sometimes it smells like someone else's house.Inside, you'll find seats. Present and accounted for. Cloth. Beige. Modestly padded. They are reasonably comfortable and profoundly pragmatic, like absolutely everything else in this car.There's also a radio. It prefers to play songs from the nineties and early 2000s and can also play gentle commercial-free static if you prefer white noise while you drive. You can connect your phone via the aux jack, if you still have a phone with a headphone port and the emotional strength to find the cable.This car does not boast. It does not judge. It does not aspire to do things. It simply existsand in doing so, might offer the most honest relationship you'll ever have.Under the hood, a 1.8-liter 4-cylinder engine hums with the modest power of 132 horses. Imagine a stagecoach pulled by 131 horses. Ridiculous, right? Now imagine one more horse. That's how powerful this car is. That power is paired with a 4-speed automatic transmission, the automotive equivalent of khaki slacks.And yet, this humble chariot delivers a surprising 26 mpg in the city, 34 on the highway. Which means you can drive for hours between diet cokes and 87 octane fill-ups.It will not impress anyone. And that's exactly the point.The 2011 Toyota Corolla LE doesn't need your approval. It already knows who it is.
Newport Beach, CA